Thoughts: I Need Sex…

I wrote these thoughts down a few years ago, after my ex and I first separated. I wrote it as an imaginary letter to my first post-divorce lover. It’s probably one of the raciest things that I have ever written, and more so because unlike other poems or thoughts that I’ve written about sex; these are my 100% unfiltered, unedited, straight out of my head thoughts and my desires. As a pretty devout Christian, it can be hard to go from a wonderful, passionate, steamy married sex life to the troubled marriage unfulfilling sex life, and then to the prospect of being single with no sex on the horizon. All those desires, don’t just magically evaporate (which led to part of the problem in the Hot Mess Alert) so what do you do with them? For me I wrote them down, to stop them from fueling the tornado that was swirling around in my head, and now I’m sharing them with you…

All humans have needs. Some are very basic and others are not. ME? I need sex. And not just any old wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex. I need hot, passionate, hair-pulling, clothes-ripping, button popping, slam you up against the wall sex. You know what else I need? I need more sex.

I need slow, steamy, intimate, stare into your eyes and run my fingers through your hair sex. I need the back of my neck kissed. I need to your hand to gently slide down the length of my thigh. I need you to cup my chin in your hands and to gently kiss me on the mouth. I need you to look at me like something you can’t wait to devour.

I need intimacy. I need to be held, touched, caressed and talked to. I need to feel safe and protected in your arms. I need to feel like you care about me when I give you a hug. I don’t necessarily need to fall in love, but I do need to feel cared for. It’s been way too long since I felt cared for. And if at the bare minimum, I don’t even feel cared for, then you can damn well be sure that my needs aren’t being met. And if my needs aren’t being met, then I need to make other arrangements.

And I will; because I need my hair pulled, my clothes ripped, my buttons popped and I damn sure need to be slammed up against the wall. Then afterwards, we can go again and this time we’ll stare into each others eyes, and run our fingers through each other’s hair, and you’ll cup my chin and kiss me gently on the lips, and run your hands down my thighs.

Because you see, once I can trust that you’ll take care of my needs, we can move on to your wants and baby I’ll do anything you want…

Settling…

I wrote it down today and I had to crumple it up.

The question, the answer, the TRUTH. That you will never be him, and even worse that you will never measure up to him. I don’t mean to compare you to him because it’s not fair to you, especially since (in my mind) he is the human embodiment of perfection.

But the safety of that, for you, is that he will never view me that way.

And as long as he never loves me, then I will never leave you for another. Because if perfection exists, why leave you for anything less? Does that make me a terrible person?

I think so…

HOT MESS ALERT: UPDATE!

 

So…there we are at family dinner. I still wasn’t feeling great about being there (see my previous post here which explains my anxiety) but I had it all planned out. I had grabbed PLENTY of work to keep me distracted and to keep me from having to interact with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. We arrive at this week’s neutral restaurant, and I encourage Hermione to sit by her dad so he can help her with her homework (also a purpose of the dinners), and we have a pretty large booth so all of them fit on the same side. (#WINNING) I immediately take out one of my planners and start writing out some plans for the blog and my online jewelry site, thinking he would start going through Hermione’s homework with her. This would pretty much excuse me from conversation with The Girlfriend all night since, here lately, she and I don’t have much conversation unless The Ex is absent from the dinner (a story for another time)… But, OF COURSE, the best laid plans of nice and men…

I happen to look up and The DAMN Girlfriend, is opening Hermione’s homework folder and starts going through it with her! Then The Ex somehow take this as his hint to proceed to have an entire freakin’ conversation with me for the entire TWO HOURS!!!! He never ONCE looked at our child’s homework and proceeded to talk a hole in my head. Now, mind you, this isn’t the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last. For reasons that I will fully explain in later posts, this man and I are NOT cool, we are NOT friends, we are NOT homies, there is NO mutual respect or trust. So why in Hades, does he feel the need to to spend the entire time talking to me, at an event where the sole purpose is for him to spend time with Hermione and help her with his homework???? I wish I could just ignore him, or just bless him ALL the way out when this happens but, no matter how much I despise him, I would NEVER disrespect him in front of our daughter. So I get stuck talking to him, about current events, their latest family vacation, or whatever the fuck else he decides to talk about.

Ughhhhhhhhh! I don’t understand it, I mean, according to him I’m the woman who “used her rape as an excuse not to have unwanted sex”. Yes, that is an actual sentence my “husband” said to me during an argument while we were still together. As if rape is some kind of fucking doctor’s note to get out of P.E!!!!! Never mind the fact that whether she was raped or not, NO woman is obligated to have unwanted sexual contact with anyone! PERIOD. END.OF.STORY! In that same argument he pointed out that I “did not give him enough head while I was on my period, I mean I was the one with the period, not him.” I CANNOT make this shit up! And yet 9 months later, AFTER we moved into separate houses, I started sleeping with him again. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I know, stupid me. And that’s when he decided to cheat on The Girlfriend with me, his wife. So when you combine all that with the fact that I found out recently he is going to try to get full custody of Hermione, I am all the way done with this sorry motherfucker and would be quite happy if I never had to speak to him again. However, since that’s not possible the least he could do is shut the fuck up talking to me at dinner, and pay attention to our beautiful daughter like he is supposed to be doing.

I apologize for the expletive-laden post, and I almost want to go back and erase all of them, but what’s the point of having an anonymous blog if I can’t keep it real here with you? What I will do instead is let you know that my blog name DOES mean something to me. I am known, for my curves, for my curls, and most definitely for my smiles. 😃 I may be angry right now, but this white hot heat will fade. Just as sure as a campfire logs dwindle down to ash that once touched, easily crumbles, breaks, and is easily swept away with no remains to be seen. Not only will it fade, but one day (soon I hope) this anger will be replaced with PLATONIC love and forgiveness, because I would hate to go to Hell for having unforgiveness on my heart nor is that the way I want to live the rest of my life. So if you believe in God, or prayer, please keep me in your prayers. And if you don’t, then just send your positive thoughts my way. And if you’re someone having a hard time too, no matter it is let me know in the comments below, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

– CC&S

HOT MESS ALERT: Weekly Interaction #1 with The Ex and The Girlfriend Imminently Approaching!

So here goes my first hot mess post… Every week, twice a week, for the past two years, The Ex and I have an hour and a half dinner with our daughter at a neutral restaurant. These dinners were something we started when he and I first moved into separate houses, to help Hermione transition into not having her dad in the house. They were a great idea… AT FIRST. You know, at first, when we still somewhat cared about each other and still liked each other but recognized that we could NOT stay married. (Long Story for another post. Short Version: Our marriage (and my trust) never truly recovered from his affair with a coworker).

When these dinners first started we would each host dinner one night in our homes, Tuesday in his and Thursday in mine. Fast forward about 9 months when I found out The Ex cheated on The (New at the Time) Girlfriend with ME, his actual wife… (UH-UH. STOP. RIGHT. THERE. Don’t judge me I ALREADY warned y’all of my hot mess inclinations!), and I forced him to tell her (like I wish someone had done for me during his affair). At that point, he became verbally abusive, yelled and screamed at me, and even accused me of child endangerment because my house was cluttered. Basically, he was saying anything he could to try to intimidate me into backing down on my stance that he needed to be honest with her before I would meet her. I did NOT back down and he ended up telling her (which I verified during that first meeting) but from that point on he has not set foot in my house except for Christmas of last year, and only then due to our court-mediated custody agreement.

However, since last April when I found out he cheated on The Girlfriend with me… and since last July when he not only ambushed me in court with an attorney AFTER we both agreed to not get attorneys, but he also went to great lengths to ensure I didn’t have one and then sat around and laughed with his friends the weekend before the court date saying that “He couldn’t wait to see the look on my face.” (That part wasn’t supposed to get back to me, but it did) NOW, the sight of this fool makes me SICK. I mean usually around 3:pm I start getting a little nauseous and then every hour up until dinner time I just have this sense of dread come over me, and it stays until dinner is over and I pull out of whatever parking lot we are in. (Note: I am hoping to be let out of these dinners by the judge, no later than November and will be putting in a request with the court for that very soon) 

I know this kind of stress is not good for me, and I’m wondering if anyone else in this kind of situation? If so, how do you deal with it? Or can anyone offer relaxation, mindfulness, or meditation-related tips on how to deal with the dread and anxiety?

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First Ever Blog Post! :)

Hi, I’m Curves, Curls, and Smiles but you guys can call me CC&S for short! This is my first ever blog post and I am super excited. I have been thinking about writing a blog for a long time now, and have finally gotten up the nerve to just do it. I am a currently a “late 30’s”, overweight, student, full-time employee, financially struggling, single mother, in the middle of a contentious divorce. However, that’s not all of who I am and I definitely don’t want that to be the end of my story!

I think that’s the main reason for why I’m starting this blog right now. Because I am in the weeds folks! I am in the middle of one of the roughest periods in my life and I needed a space where I could share my thoughts, my fears, my troubles, and my joys with people. While I am all of those things that I described above “right now”, when it’s all said and done I would like to be a healthy, self-employed, financially secure, graduate, mother who is happily remarried. I KNOW that I can get there. One of my professional duties is serving as a resilience trainer, and what that means is that I help teach people skills and techniques to develop resilience. These skills are definitely helping me get through my current life circumstances. I’ve got a LOT of hard work to do to reach my goals and hopefully if any of you are experiencing any hardships or going through hard times, we can encourage each other and get through them together.

I will be keeping my blog anonymous, at least initially, so that I can speak freely on the things that are going on in my life. If and when the time presents itself, I would LOVE to share who I am with all of you. In the meantime and between time, I’ll give the people that I mention in this blog codenames to protect the innocent… and the guilty.

Grammatical Disclaimer: I may or may not have an affinity for using run-on sentences, parentheses, commas, semi-colons, colons, emoticons, and using numerous punctuation marks!!! This blog at times may have some, none, or all of the above. Don’t say you weren’t warned! 😉

Hot Mess Disclaimer: My hope for this blog is to be a positive and inspiring place where we can share what’s going on in our lives and encouraging words to get through it. That being said… folks, sometimes my life is a plain old hot mess and I hope that this blog will be a space where I can share that as well, lol!

If you know someone that you think would like this post or might like the blog, please share it as well! I’m also on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. My Facebook account is where I’ll share funny, inspiring, and (at times) sarcastic posts, lol. My Instagram account will mainly document snapshots of my journey to better health and everyday life, and funny memes of course. If any of you have health goals that you are pursuing as well, I hope you will join me and share your own progress, encouragement, and healthy recipes with me. Twitter will be used as to provide updates and uplifting words in 140 characters or less. I’ve also got an online store that specializes in motivational and inspirational jewelry and accessories. If you have a special request for a specific product, let me know and I’ll do my best to design one for you.

Please be sure to say hi, leave a comment and let me know what you think of this post. I can’t wait to hear from you all!

-Curves Curls and Smiles